Saturday, March 04, 2006
Denise
Denise was the baby girl of the family. She had everything going for her. Looks, personality, petite, smart, and athletic. It was as though my mother, who had three daughters prior to Denise, had hit a home run with this one.
Denise was the type of baby that everyone couldn’t help but adore. When she was a little girl, you could tell that she was destined for great things. She would win the hearts of everyone she met just by smiling at them. She was so small that everyone who met her felt that they needed to protect her.
As I had mentioned earlier, the house that we lived in had four bedrooms. My mother and father occupied one, my brother Frederick, another, and my sisters Nita and Theresa shared a room. That left one last bedroom that up until Denise was born, I occupied alone.
Being eight years her senior, I remember when my mother brought Denise home from the hospital and placed her in the new crib that was set up in my room and being told that this new little creature was to be my baby. A responsibility that I took very seriously.
I fed her, changed her diapers, and watched over her. I dried her tears when she cried. I allowed her to climb into my bed when she was afraid. I was angry for her whenever my mother or father had to discipline her. I took her almost everywhere that I went. Allowing no hurt, harm, or danger to befall her when she was in my care. A practice that we would observe for many, many years.
Beauty of a Child
Who can describe the beauty, sweetness and innocence of a child? A child is lovelier than a sunset infusing the earth with respondent color. Is more captivating than a glowing red rose bathed in the morning dew.
A child is more enchanting than a starlit night or a meadow of green. Is more delightful than a spring morning leaping from the womb of night by the gentle kiss of the rising sun. In the sparkling, trusting countenance of a child lies a beauty unequaled in the winsome world of nature.
Jesus loved children. "Suffer little children and forbid them not to come unto me; for of such is the kingdom of heaven" (Matt. 19:14). Picture Jesus surrounded by children, laughing, talking and playing with them, clasping them to his breast in an embrace of love divine.
Fortunate is the home that is blessed with children. Their voices of gaiety and laughter resound throughout the house, giving life to brick and mortar, and converting four walls into a citadel of joy. True, there are exasperating moments in the parenting experience. But if we knew that tomorrow those small fingers would lie cold and stiff, would they really vex us then as they often seem to now?
How swiftly time passes, how quickly they grow. Crawling, walking, running, kindergarten, graduation, all too soon they fly from the nest of home. No more goodnight kisses, toys on the floor, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, ballgames, PTA meetings and "Daddy will you play with me?" Give them your love, time and companionship today. Tomorrow may be too late.
Life is as transient as the movement of a weaver's shuttle, the wilting of a flower, and the passing of a shadow (Job 7:6; 14:2). The spring of childhood swiftly blossoms into the summer of manhood. "Is it well with the child?" (2 Kings 4:26). The heart of each parent contains the answer.
By Frank Chesser
Anyone who has ever been a parent or had the responsibility of caring for a little one like a parent, knows the joy that can only be generated by the innocence of love given by a child. Every child that is born into this world is born with a spirit that is pure. Their views, opinions, and beliefs have not yet been tainted by this world. A child loves with agape love. Sees the world with eyes and a heart full of pure innocence. They have not yet been conformed by this world.
Romans 12:2
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Denise was “Little Ms. Congeniality”. Everyone loved her. She never got into fights with anyone. Always got good grades and didn’t try any of the bad things most teenagers tried like smoking, sex, or drugs. As a matter of fact, she drove us, her older sisters crazy by harassing us about the things we were doing wrong.
But most of all, she not only got good grades, but was an outstanding athlete to boot. Denise was only stood five feet tall. But she could outplay most boys she played basketball with. As a matter of fact, starting in junior high school, she played guard for an all boys basketball team at the local YMCA long before it was the popular thing for girls to do. A friend of mine who was a boys’ basketball coach and had seen Denise play was totally amazed at her ability as a ball player. He not only recruited her to play for his team, but also took great joy in her abilities against other all boy teams that they played against.
Denise was a junior in high school when our father passed away suddenly in the early nineteen eighties. Just like Theresa, she was unprepared for the sudden loss of daddy. For a time she seemed to flounder, but quickly rebounded and continued on with her life in an almost uneventful way.
I don’t know if my mother ever said anything to Denise, but I do know that when Denise received her check each month, she kept it all, never contributing anything to help my mother out. According to the law Denise was entitled to this check each month. My mother could have
easily either charged my sister rent or told her that she had to live somewhere else. She did neither.
Instead, she accepted what my youngest sister did and got by the best she could. Initially when I found out about what my youngest sister was doing, I became extremely upset. It was not until I became a mother myself that I understood why my mother accepted this behavior from my sister Denise.
As a mother we only want our children to be happy. Even if it’s at our own expense. A mother will make all sorts of sacrifices for their children. When given a choice, we hope that our children will do the right thing. When they don’t, we often times look at it as though it is our own failure. Something that as a parent, we did not do. Instead of realizing that even our own children have free will and will make a choice of selfishness for their own sake.
Psalm 69:7
Denise never did finish college. Shortly after my mother’s death, she moved home to live in our parent’s house with my sister Nita. As I had mentioned earlier, Nita was the only one living at home at the time. She had finished college and was now working full time.
Psalm 144:8
Whose mouths are full of lies, whose right hands are deceitful.
I am not saying that we don’t have to pay the price for what we have done, because every seed that is planted must come to fruition. But what I am saying is that if we have made mistakes that cause hurt, harm, or pain to others, God will forgive us, heal us, and allow us to go on.
I do not judge my sister, but pray for her salvation every day. For I know it is only by God’s grace that I did not fall into that same way of life. I remember being at a friend’s house and we were playing cards and smoking weed.
Denise was the type of baby that everyone couldn’t help but adore. When she was a little girl, you could tell that she was destined for great things. She would win the hearts of everyone she met just by smiling at them. She was so small that everyone who met her felt that they needed to protect her.
As I had mentioned earlier, the house that we lived in had four bedrooms. My mother and father occupied one, my brother Frederick, another, and my sisters Nita and Theresa shared a room. That left one last bedroom that up until Denise was born, I occupied alone.
Being eight years her senior, I remember when my mother brought Denise home from the hospital and placed her in the new crib that was set up in my room and being told that this new little creature was to be my baby. A responsibility that I took very seriously.
I fed her, changed her diapers, and watched over her. I dried her tears when she cried. I allowed her to climb into my bed when she was afraid. I was angry for her whenever my mother or father had to discipline her. I took her almost everywhere that I went. Allowing no hurt, harm, or danger to befall her when she was in my care. A practice that we would observe for many, many years.
Beauty of a Child
Who can describe the beauty, sweetness and innocence of a child? A child is lovelier than a sunset infusing the earth with respondent color. Is more captivating than a glowing red rose bathed in the morning dew.
A child is more enchanting than a starlit night or a meadow of green. Is more delightful than a spring morning leaping from the womb of night by the gentle kiss of the rising sun. In the sparkling, trusting countenance of a child lies a beauty unequaled in the winsome world of nature.
Jesus loved children. "Suffer little children and forbid them not to come unto me; for of such is the kingdom of heaven" (Matt. 19:14). Picture Jesus surrounded by children, laughing, talking and playing with them, clasping them to his breast in an embrace of love divine.
Fortunate is the home that is blessed with children. Their voices of gaiety and laughter resound throughout the house, giving life to brick and mortar, and converting four walls into a citadel of joy. True, there are exasperating moments in the parenting experience. But if we knew that tomorrow those small fingers would lie cold and stiff, would they really vex us then as they often seem to now?
How swiftly time passes, how quickly they grow. Crawling, walking, running, kindergarten, graduation, all too soon they fly from the nest of home. No more goodnight kisses, toys on the floor, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, ballgames, PTA meetings and "Daddy will you play with me?" Give them your love, time and companionship today. Tomorrow may be too late.
Life is as transient as the movement of a weaver's shuttle, the wilting of a flower, and the passing of a shadow (Job 7:6; 14:2). The spring of childhood swiftly blossoms into the summer of manhood. "Is it well with the child?" (2 Kings 4:26). The heart of each parent contains the answer.
By Frank Chesser
Anyone who has ever been a parent or had the responsibility of caring for a little one like a parent, knows the joy that can only be generated by the innocence of love given by a child. Every child that is born into this world is born with a spirit that is pure. Their views, opinions, and beliefs have not yet been tainted by this world. A child loves with agape love. Sees the world with eyes and a heart full of pure innocence. They have not yet been conformed by this world.
Romans 12:2
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Denise was “Little Ms. Congeniality”. Everyone loved her. She never got into fights with anyone. Always got good grades and didn’t try any of the bad things most teenagers tried like smoking, sex, or drugs. As a matter of fact, she drove us, her older sisters crazy by harassing us about the things we were doing wrong.
If we came into the house with red eyes, she would be all in our faces asking, why are your eyes red? What is that funny smell on your clothes? The list would go on and on. She was a total health fanatic who got up and ran every morning before going to school.
But most of all, she not only got good grades, but was an outstanding athlete to boot. Denise was only stood five feet tall. But she could outplay most boys she played basketball with. As a matter of fact, starting in junior high school, she played guard for an all boys basketball team at the local YMCA long before it was the popular thing for girls to do. A friend of mine who was a boys’ basketball coach and had seen Denise play was totally amazed at her ability as a ball player. He not only recruited her to play for his team, but also took great joy in her abilities against other all boy teams that they played against.
Denise was a junior in high school when our father passed away suddenly in the early nineteen eighties. Just like Theresa, she was unprepared for the sudden loss of daddy. For a time she seemed to flounder, but quickly rebounded and continued on with her life in an almost uneventful way.
At the time of our father’s death, Denise and my sister Nita were the only two of the five children living at home. Nita, who is a few years older than Denise, was attending the local university. Nita was also working full-time.
At the time of my father’s death, my mother was not working. Instead, she stayed at home and was housewife and mother. I was working at the local telephone company as a telephone installation technician. My brother Frederick was married with one son and both he and his wife worked full-time. I don’t quite remember where Theresa was working at that time, but I do remember that she was working full-time.
During the time of my father’s death, the social service system was in the midst of some major changes. My mother who suffered from chronic bronchitis and who did not have a high school diploma didn’t qualify for any assistance or benefits from federal, state, or local governmental agencies. She was forced to look for a job and found one that paid minimum wages. The one and only form of assistance that she did receive was Social Security benefits to care for Denise. In order to help my mother out financially, my brother, my sister Nita and I, brought all of Denise’s clothing and school supplies for the next couple of years.
Also within that year, my father’s mother who owned a farm in Mississippi had also passed away and left equal parts of the farm to my sisters Denise and Theresa and their half sister Brookie. Denise and Theresa sold their portion of the property to my stepfather’s relatives who lived nearby. They then took the money they had and bought cars for themselves. So even though Denise had lost our father, she really didn’t want for anything from a materialistic standpoint. My siblings, my mother, and I made sure of that.
As a senior in high school, Denise’s popularity soared even more. In addition to all of the other attributes mentioned earlier, she was now one of the best-dressed girls at school and she also had what most teenagers wanted. Her own car. Additionally, the girl’s basketball team, of which she was one of the co-captains, was on a winning streak. The best was yet to come.
Denise had applied and been excepted to Western Michigan University. Not only was she looking forward to attending college and living on campus, but two of her fellow basketball team members also attended Western.
As I have previously mentioned, after my fathers death, my mother went to work for minimum wage. The check she received each month from Social Security went towards household expenses. Upon my fathers death the mortgage on the house was paid in full by insurance, but there were still many other outstanding bills to be paid.
When Denise turned eighteen, she decided that the check she received each month was hers to spend as she pleased. Even though she was still at home, she didn’t feel that she should have to contribute anything towards household expenses. That was my mother’s responsibility. My mother was devastated.
You see, my mother depended on that check each month to help pay the bills. With what she made each month working, they were barely getting by. Being the type of person that she was, my mother really didn’t push the issue with Denise.
Nita, who was the last one living at home with my mother, said that after my father’s death that she and mama would go weeks without any money. Even though they had two cars, they would only have enough gas to fill up one car at a time some weeks. Often they would only have bread and eggs to eat for weeks at a time. Through it all, my mother never told anyone how dire things had gotten. Not even her children. She wouldn’t even let Nita ask her siblings for help.
She stayed optimistic about everything. My mother always depended on the fact that God would supply all of her needs. If it meant that she ate scrambled eggs instead of steak, it was all right because she still got her daily portion of protein. If she had to walk somewhere instead of drive, good. She could use the exercise. If any of her children called and said they needed something, rather than tell them that she didn’t have it, she would get it.
Philippians 4:19
And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus
And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus
I don’t know if my mother ever said anything to Denise, but I do know that when Denise received her check each month, she kept it all, never contributing anything to help my mother out. According to the law Denise was entitled to this check each month. My mother could have
easily either charged my sister rent or told her that she had to live somewhere else. She did neither.
Instead, she accepted what my youngest sister did and got by the best she could. Initially when I found out about what my youngest sister was doing, I became extremely upset. It was not until I became a mother myself that I understood why my mother accepted this behavior from my sister Denise.
As a mother we only want our children to be happy. Even if it’s at our own expense. A mother will make all sorts of sacrifices for their children. When given a choice, we hope that our children will do the right thing. When they don’t, we often times look at it as though it is our own failure. Something that as a parent, we did not do. Instead of realizing that even our own children have free will and will make a choice of selfishness for their own sake.
Psalm 69:7
For I endure scorn for your sake, and shame covers my face.
Denise’s relationship with my mother was never to be the same again. Even though my mother had forgiven Denise for this major slight, she continued to care for Denise while she was still at home. Mama still got up every morning and cooked breakfast for Denise before she went to school and before my mother left for work. When I say cook breakfast, I mean cook breakfast.
Pancakes, sausage, bacon, eggs, and biscuits. She never ate cold cereal or oatmeal for breakfast. Mama still did her laundry, cooked her other meals, and cleaned up after her. My mother did this because she loved her. My mother loved all her children.
When Denise graduated from high school and went off to college, my mother helped her to get the things she would need to live on her own. She went with Nita and I to take her up to campus and get her moved in. My mother, my sister Nita, and I all took Denise aside and gave her a few extra dollars, just in case.
When my mother took Denise aside, she spent a little more time with Denise than the rest of us. I don’t know what my mother said to Denise, but I do know from that moment on, I felt coldness between the two of them that would last for the next couple of years. After noticing this new coolness on a couple of occasions when Denise visited home, I asked my mother what was wrong and she always said nothing.
During one of these visits home, I took Denise out to dinner to talk to her. I tried to find out from my sister what was wrong and she blamed everything on my mother. I explained to Denise that what she had done to our mother by not helping out when she was at home had truly hurt her.
I often wonder did Denise expect more from my mother financially than she could give. Denise had been so used to everyone, including my mother, catering to her every whim that when it came time for her to take on her own responsibilities she was not ready.
I often wonder how much did we her siblings hurt Denise by providing her with those material things she wanted and did not necessarily need. Even today I sometimes get the feeling that Denise always felt that she was owed these things from us. I sometimes get that same feeling from my own teenaged son. That whatever I do for him and get for him is owed to him. I often wonder how much do we hurt our children by giving into what they want. We try to compensate for their losses by replacing loved ones with things.
We try to buy away their hurt and tears with trinkets. We spend so much time working that we have to buy substitutes for our time and attention like Playstation and Nintendos. We would rather give them money to go to the show than take them to the park for a game of catch or a ride on the swings. We don’t take the time to show them how much we love them but rather show them love by purchasing the latest gym shoes or video games.
I tried to explain to my sister that is was she who had let our mother down and not the other way around. My sister was now a young woman who had demanded that she be given all the rights and privileges of adulthood when she decided to take the social security money that had been allocated for her care to take care of herself. That our mother had just done what she had been asked to do and that was allow you to care for yourself. Denise couldn’t have it both ways. I knew that mama had forgiven her a long time ago and now it was up to her to make peace with mama. One of my ending statements was, you have to make peace now because our mother would not be around forever. Mama died two weeks later. Denise had never made her peace.
Deuteronomy 27:16
"Cursed is the man who dishonors his father or his mother." Then all the people shall say, "Amen!"
"Cursed is the man who dishonors his father or his mother." Then all the people shall say, "Amen!"
Denise never did finish college. Shortly after my mother’s death, she moved home to live in our parent’s house with my sister Nita. As I had mentioned earlier, Nita was the only one living at home at the time. She had finished college and was now working full time.
With the help of some friends, Denise had found a full-time job and was making a pretty good salary. But for some reason, she never had any money. Nita, who had taken on the care and maintenance of our old home, was now paying all of the household bills. Once again Denise was not contributing her fair share.
Now understand because of the way we were raised, even though she was not happy with the additional responsibility our youngest sister was putting on her, Nita could not or would not demand anymore of Denise than Denise was giving. This pattern continued on for a while and then one day, Denise came home and told Nita that she had been fired.
The only explanation that she gave to Nita was that she had been late a few times and they had let her go. Nita accepted the answer and told Denise that she needed to either get back in school or find another job. Denise agreed and life went on.
Then Nita started noticing that periodically, money would come up missing from her purse. Knowing that the only two people living in the house were herself and Denise, she confronted our sister. Denise denied these allegations and said that it had to be Nita’s boyfriend Reggie was stayed at the house from time to time.
I know that in the beginning she did begin to doubt the trustworthiness of Reggie, which created some serious tension between the two of them. This also resulted in strained relationships between Reggie and my sister Denise. To add another twist to the story, Denise was dating Reggie’s youngest brother Ricky. So Reggie knew a little bit more about some of the things Denise had been doing that he had yet to share with my sister Nita.
Nita also noticed that Denise was staying away from home more and more. At first this concerned Nita because even though Denise was of legal age, she was still the baby of the family and Nita felt responsible for her. After a few confrontations regarding this issue where Denise had to remind Nita that she was not her mother, Nita left her alone.
One evening, a close friend of Denise’s stopped by the house to speak to Nita. This friend, unknown to Nita was a local drug dealer. He told Nita that he was very concerned about Denise. She had been spending more and more time at his house, smoking crack. He was concerned about Denise being addicted to crack and concerned about large amounts of money that she owed not only him, but to several other people as well. Nita was dumbfounded.
Although all of the signs were there, Nita just couldn’t believe that our sister Denise, the health fanatic, the athletic, the all around good kid, could be involved with drugs. This was definitely out of character for her and just too hard to believe. She did confront Denise about the accusations and of course, she denied everything. Nita accepted her excuses and once again, life went on.
Psalm 144:8
Whose mouths are full of lies, whose right hands are deceitful.
The missing money, the lies, and the accusations went on for months. Then the unthinkable happened. Reggie asked Nita to marry him. He had given her both the engagement and wedding rings. She had placed the wedding ring in a location that only the sisters knew about.
Someone broke into the house and stole the ring along with a few other items of value. It became pretty obvious that it was a set-up. Nita was devastated. She told Denise to move out.
Over the years we have tried to get Denise help for her addiction. She has been in drug rehabilitation a few times but always returns to the drugs. During one of her inpatient counseling sessions of which we had to participate in, it came out that she had never accepted the death of our mother. In essence rather than accept the guilt about not making up with mama, she was running away from her pain with the drugs.
Over the years we have tried to get Denise help for her addiction. She has been in drug rehabilitation a few times but always returns to the drugs. During one of her inpatient counseling sessions of which we had to participate in, it came out that she had never accepted the death of our mother. In essence rather than accept the guilt about not making up with mama, she was running away from her pain with the drugs.
Ezra 9:6
And prayed: "O my God, I am too ashamed and disgraced to lift up my face to you, my God, because our sins are higher than our heads and our guilt has reached to the heavens.
And prayed: "O my God, I am too ashamed and disgraced to lift up my face to you, my God, because our sins are higher than our heads and our guilt has reached to the heavens.
No child that has ever been born into this world has said, “ I want to grow up and be a drug addict, child abuser, alcoholic, thief, or murderer. I want to be a sinner and serve Satan and not God. All of this is learned behavior. I am not saying that there isn’t certain tendencies a child might be born with, such as the tendency to be a substance abuser. There are things that happen in everyone’s life that will cause them to make life-altering choices.
Every choice that we make will have consequences. Both good and bad. And yes, we will make some very bad choices in our lifetimes. But the key is knowing that no matter what mistakes you have made, no matter what sins we have committed against God or against others, God is a forgiving God. There is nothing that God will not forgive you for if you come to him and ask with a sincere heart.
2 Chronicles 7:14
if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land.
if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land.
I am not saying that we don’t have to pay the price for what we have done, because every seed that is planted must come to fruition. But what I am saying is that if we have made mistakes that cause hurt, harm, or pain to others, God will forgive us, heal us, and allow us to go on.
Until my sister Denise forgives herself and asks God to come into her life and forgive her as well, she will continue to live in the shadow of death and destruction. She lives in a far country. Removed from the people that truly love her and the things that she grew up with.
She has been shot, more than once. Raped, stabbed, jailed, and homeless. She has sold her body for sex and drugs. She has stolen from family as well as strangers. Denise has chosen to live this way and thinks that she can never return to the way her life used to be. To a certain extent, she is correct. Life as she once knew it could never be what it was. But that doesn’t mean that she can’t return to some normalcy. God tells us time and time again, all we have to do is accept the fact that we are all sinners and accept Jesus Christ as our own personal savior. When we follow the things of the world, we live in death.
2 Corinthians 7:10
Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.
2 Corinthians 7:10
Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.
I do not judge my sister, but pray for her salvation every day. For I know it is only by God’s grace that I did not fall into that same way of life. I remember being at a friend’s house and we were playing cards and smoking weed.
A marijuana cigarette was passed to me. As I took it I noticed that it had a different smell to it than usual. I heard a voice tell me, “Don’t smoke that”. Everyone that smoked that cigarette that day at some point in his or her lives has struggled with crack addiction. To this day I believe it was the Holy Spirit keeping me from making yet another major mistake. I thank God everyday that he speaks to me.
