Friday, September 23, 2005
Introduction
Wanna-be - a person who wants or aspires to be someone or something else or who tries to look or act like someone else.
Many of us go through life wondering who we are and what we are suppose to be in life. As women, we are taught to believe that that when we grow up we are supposed marry and commit ourselves to being the perfect wife and mother. Many women do succeed in part of that goal, the part about being a wife and mother. Some become do become wives and others realize their goals of becoming mothers. However, it wasn’t until the months leading up to my forty-third birthday that the realization hit me. There is no such thing as the perfect wife and mother.
What has led me to this conclusion was a letter I had written to a life long friend. In that letter, I took a long hard look at not only my life, but also at the lives of various friends around me. Men, women, black and white. I have concluded that there is no such thing as perfection in a relationship or in life. It just does not exist.
This is not a derogatory statement about men or women but a realization that what we think to be true about everyone else but ourselves is not true about anyone. The facts are that what we would like our lives to be about isn’t a part of reality. We think that if we look a certain way, act a certain way, have certain things, obtain our dream job or do certain things, that we will find that mate that will help us live happily ever after.
I want to share some things that I have learned about not only myself but also other insights that have been shared with me by other women. I had ignored so much about myself for so long; I hadn’t realized how much I needed to share those thoughts and feeling with others. You see, after awhile reality starts to set in. What we really want isn’t necessarily what will happen. In sharing how I feel I have to stop and think am I being realistic. Do I live in a fantasy world? Am I really being honest? I have to answer, maybe all of the above.
Everything that I will write is very true. Is it colored by fantasy? Maybe. Were we being realistic in what our hopes and expectations were? I really don’t know about that. You see, every little girl wants to live happily ever after, even those of us who are in our forties. Will we ever find the man who can fulfill our dreams? Now, that may be where the fantasy comes in.
No matter what life throws our way, we still hold on to the dreams and hopes that have been a part of us since we were little girls.
The problem is that life has somehow changed or discolored how we view our dreams. The relationships that we have had and the experiences that we have gone through have somehow tainted what our original believe system was. Our first desire is to be that virtuous woman that is highly regarded in the bible. We want to be a loving wife, mother, and most of all handmaidens to our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. We want to be that respected elder of the church, that reveled servant of God, upright and outstanding member of our church community. We want to be regarded with the love and respect of our saved brothers in Christ.
The problem is, that because of unfulfilled dreams, past hurts, and low regard for ourselves, we have become that fallen woman, that woman who Jesus met at the well. That Jezebel, that scorned woman that was so despised in the bible.
Somehow, somewhere along the way we have been brainwashed into believing that we are not worthy. We women are not worthy of the love we receive from mortal men and certainly not worthy of God’s love. We are taught that whatever life dishes out to us we must accept it. We as women can’t even take a compliment without making some sort of negative response back.
Much of what I am about to tell you is hard to admit to myself let alone others. There are many things that I had chose to forget because of the pain I caused not only myself but the pain I inflicted onto others.
So what happened to us? I will share with you not only my story, but also the stories of women just like me, who strive for a higher calling, but fall down in our pursuit to find carnal love. Women like me, who thought that our chosen path would lead to a fulfilled life. Women, just like me, who thought by giving in to the lies of this world, that it wouldn’t matter and that we would and could change a situation and make it work for us. That God would understand and overlook our little indiscretions. That a moment of pleasure would wipe out a lifetime of longing, past hurts, and loneliness.
What you will discover as you take this journey with me is that no matter how we try to justify our wrongs, say that the rules have changed, make excuses for ourselves, and we can never find our way home. We will continue to be like the prodigal son, lost in a far country, eating with the hogs. It’s not until we say enough! I am a daughter of the most high king, and even if my Prince Charming doesn’t come along to rescue me, I am okay, because I have a prince from the kingdom of God. The one and only true love of my life. He has given me more than mortal man could ever give me. Not diamonds, pearls, furs, or money, but respect of self, love of family and most of all, the love of God.
We are not saying that we are any better than the rest of our sisters who are trying to find happiness, but we have come to realize that happiness is not found in bed or in the arms of that mortal man who whispers, I love you as we give him our ultimate gift, ourselves. What we are saying is that I want to live my life the way it is suppose to be. I don’t just want any man in my life. I want a man who respects God first, me, and the sanctity of his family. I want a man who is the head of his home. I want a man who realizes that I am not his maid, bed warmer, child breeder, cook, personal bank account, chick on the side, baby’s mama, baby’s mama’s drama, freak, chickenhead, whore, hoodrat, or booty call, then and only then can we be happy in a relationship. Then and only then can we become the wives and mothers, raising our children the way God wants us to that we will truly be happy. And if we find that the man of our dreams is just that, a dream, it’s okay. God loves me anyway.
Ladies, if we don’t stand and be that virtuous woman that God wants us to be, our world won’t get any better. Our relationships won’t get any better, and our children won’t learn to grow and be the men and women of God that he wants them to be. We as women of God must learn to first love ourselves enough to stop accepting just any old thing. We women must learn to forgive ourselves, accept our mistakes and move on.
As I share not only my story, but the stories of several other women as well, I am sure that some of you will see parallels between women in your own lives. My prayer is that in taking this spiritual walk with me and seeing the reflection of yourselves and other women in your lives in the following pages, that we will start to see some of the mistakes that we have made, correct them, and move on to a more righteous way of living. I pray that you will let go of the past and start your healing today!
Many of us go through life wondering who we are and what we are suppose to be in life. As women, we are taught to believe that that when we grow up we are supposed marry and commit ourselves to being the perfect wife and mother. Many women do succeed in part of that goal, the part about being a wife and mother. Some become do become wives and others realize their goals of becoming mothers. However, it wasn’t until the months leading up to my forty-third birthday that the realization hit me. There is no such thing as the perfect wife and mother.
What has led me to this conclusion was a letter I had written to a life long friend. In that letter, I took a long hard look at not only my life, but also at the lives of various friends around me. Men, women, black and white. I have concluded that there is no such thing as perfection in a relationship or in life. It just does not exist.
This is not a derogatory statement about men or women but a realization that what we think to be true about everyone else but ourselves is not true about anyone. The facts are that what we would like our lives to be about isn’t a part of reality. We think that if we look a certain way, act a certain way, have certain things, obtain our dream job or do certain things, that we will find that mate that will help us live happily ever after.
I want to share some things that I have learned about not only myself but also other insights that have been shared with me by other women. I had ignored so much about myself for so long; I hadn’t realized how much I needed to share those thoughts and feeling with others. You see, after awhile reality starts to set in. What we really want isn’t necessarily what will happen. In sharing how I feel I have to stop and think am I being realistic. Do I live in a fantasy world? Am I really being honest? I have to answer, maybe all of the above.
Everything that I will write is very true. Is it colored by fantasy? Maybe. Were we being realistic in what our hopes and expectations were? I really don’t know about that. You see, every little girl wants to live happily ever after, even those of us who are in our forties. Will we ever find the man who can fulfill our dreams? Now, that may be where the fantasy comes in.
No matter what life throws our way, we still hold on to the dreams and hopes that have been a part of us since we were little girls.
The problem is that life has somehow changed or discolored how we view our dreams. The relationships that we have had and the experiences that we have gone through have somehow tainted what our original believe system was. Our first desire is to be that virtuous woman that is highly regarded in the bible. We want to be a loving wife, mother, and most of all handmaidens to our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. We want to be that respected elder of the church, that reveled servant of God, upright and outstanding member of our church community. We want to be regarded with the love and respect of our saved brothers in Christ.
The problem is, that because of unfulfilled dreams, past hurts, and low regard for ourselves, we have become that fallen woman, that woman who Jesus met at the well. That Jezebel, that scorned woman that was so despised in the bible.
Somehow, somewhere along the way we have been brainwashed into believing that we are not worthy. We women are not worthy of the love we receive from mortal men and certainly not worthy of God’s love. We are taught that whatever life dishes out to us we must accept it. We as women can’t even take a compliment without making some sort of negative response back.
Much of what I am about to tell you is hard to admit to myself let alone others. There are many things that I had chose to forget because of the pain I caused not only myself but the pain I inflicted onto others.
So what happened to us? I will share with you not only my story, but also the stories of women just like me, who strive for a higher calling, but fall down in our pursuit to find carnal love. Women like me, who thought that our chosen path would lead to a fulfilled life. Women, just like me, who thought by giving in to the lies of this world, that it wouldn’t matter and that we would and could change a situation and make it work for us. That God would understand and overlook our little indiscretions. That a moment of pleasure would wipe out a lifetime of longing, past hurts, and loneliness.
What you will discover as you take this journey with me is that no matter how we try to justify our wrongs, say that the rules have changed, make excuses for ourselves, and we can never find our way home. We will continue to be like the prodigal son, lost in a far country, eating with the hogs. It’s not until we say enough! I am a daughter of the most high king, and even if my Prince Charming doesn’t come along to rescue me, I am okay, because I have a prince from the kingdom of God. The one and only true love of my life. He has given me more than mortal man could ever give me. Not diamonds, pearls, furs, or money, but respect of self, love of family and most of all, the love of God.
We are not saying that we are any better than the rest of our sisters who are trying to find happiness, but we have come to realize that happiness is not found in bed or in the arms of that mortal man who whispers, I love you as we give him our ultimate gift, ourselves. What we are saying is that I want to live my life the way it is suppose to be. I don’t just want any man in my life. I want a man who respects God first, me, and the sanctity of his family. I want a man who is the head of his home. I want a man who realizes that I am not his maid, bed warmer, child breeder, cook, personal bank account, chick on the side, baby’s mama, baby’s mama’s drama, freak, chickenhead, whore, hoodrat, or booty call, then and only then can we be happy in a relationship. Then and only then can we become the wives and mothers, raising our children the way God wants us to that we will truly be happy. And if we find that the man of our dreams is just that, a dream, it’s okay. God loves me anyway.
Ladies, if we don’t stand and be that virtuous woman that God wants us to be, our world won’t get any better. Our relationships won’t get any better, and our children won’t learn to grow and be the men and women of God that he wants them to be. We as women of God must learn to first love ourselves enough to stop accepting just any old thing. We women must learn to forgive ourselves, accept our mistakes and move on.
As I share not only my story, but the stories of several other women as well, I am sure that some of you will see parallels between women in your own lives. My prayer is that in taking this spiritual walk with me and seeing the reflection of yourselves and other women in your lives in the following pages, that we will start to see some of the mistakes that we have made, correct them, and move on to a more righteous way of living. I pray that you will let go of the past and start your healing today!
