Wednesday, July 19, 2006
John
As I have mentioned earlier, I worked at the local telephone company as an installation technician. I was young, ambitious, and in good shape. But the reality of it was I was little, short, and not really built to do a man’s job. I was so short that I literally had to climb up on the bumper of the truck and push the ladder far enough off the top of the truck so that I could then pull it down. The process was so difficult, that I would usually use my gaffs (a climbing iron or its steel point used by a telephone lineman). I would just attach these to my boots and begin my ascension up the pole.
Because I worked in a crew that worked predominately in the suburbs, this was never really an issue. Telephone poles in the suburbs usually didn’t have the metal steps. Telephone poles in the city did. This all changed one day when my telephone installation orders called for me to work in the city.
I had an installation job in a commercial area that was adjacent to a public parking lot. It was a cold windy day. Telephones poles in the city generally had steps above a certain level that precluded that you use a ladder, as it would be impossible to use gaffs. Now the one thing to keep in mind is that these ladders are made of fiberglass. When raised to there full extension, they are 24 to 27 feet tall.
I had just completed the outside work of the job and had moved the ladder away from the telephone pole to lower it. At the moment that I was attempting to lower the ladder, a strong gust of wind came up and caught my ladder in it. I had a really hard time struggling to maintain control of the ladder as I attempted to lower it. Just as I lost control and it began to fall, I realized directly in it’s path, was a car. Knowing that I had to let the ladder fall but unable to accept the fact that I would cause damage to someone else’s car, I made an effort to redirect the ladder to an empty spot in the parking lot. I did, but pulled several muscles in my chest and back. My career as a telephone installer was over. After returning to work from this injury, I was assigned to an inside job in our public telephone dispatch center. That’s were I met John.
In addition to the dispatch center that I was assigned to, there were several other company operations located in the same building. Among these other departments, located two floors below us was the forecast and planning department. John worked as a forecaster in this department.
Now understand, this is the first real office type job that I would have. I essentially came from a blue-collar type of job. I wore blue jeans, steel-toed boots and work shirts. I realized very early that I would have to change my whole mode of dress. Changing my style of dressing would be easy. Changing my mindset would be much more difficult. I still suffered from self-esteem issues.
John was 6 feet 4 inches tall. Tall, dark, and handsome. He wore business suits and had a smile that could melt butter. He was in management and drove a luxury car. He was the most eligible bachelor in the building. Totally out of my league. Or so I thought.
There was a lunchroom located on the third floor of our building. Everyone who worked in the building would often times eat there. So it was not unusual to run into the various employees in the cafeteria at one point or another during the course of the week. I would see John in the lunchroom a few times every week and just thought he was just being nice when he would speak to me. There had even been one or two occasions when we actually ate lunch at the same table as a result of mutual friends.
Even though I found him physically attractive, I never considered that I would date him because I felt that he was totally out of my league. I also knew that there were far more attractive women in our building that were interested in him that were closer to his lifestyle than me.
As time progressed there had even been a couple of occasions when he and his friend Lou had joined me at my table for lunch. I had just come to believe that he was sitting there out of habit and not because he could possibly be interested in someone like me. So when he asked me if I would like to go out to dinner and a movie with him, I was totally taken aback. I accepted and was totally panicked when I realized what I had just gotten myself into.
The type of men that I had been used to dating was not in the same league as John. It’s not to say that he was any better than them, I had never dated any professional men. My upbringing was strictly blue-collar, self-esteem was still a big issue with me, and I didn’t even know if we had anything in common. But I still accepted.
When he arrived to pick me up at my mother’s house, I had moved back home for a time after Danny, he managed to impress my entire family. He was dressed to the hilt in a suit, looking very dapper and debonair. He was the perfect gentleman to my family and was an obvious step up from the type of men my family was used to seeing coming by to take me out.
We did go out to a movie, but when we arrived at the restaurant for dinner, we had more than an hour to wait before we could be seated. We decided to get a pizza and go back to his apartment and just talk. I wound up spending the night. My mother was furious with me. I knew I was going to marry that man that first night.
Ezekiel 16:15
But you trusted in your beauty and used your fame to become a prostitute. You lavished your favors on anyone who passed by and your beauty became his.
I seduced this man the very first time that I went out with him. The one thing that I knew how to do was to please my men. I took great pleasure in knowing that I could make this man desire me in a physical sense. In my selfish desire to have this man, I would do anything to ensure he would want me as his wife. I literally surrendered myself and my will to make him my husband. I did everything to get him to marry me but ask God.
Proverbs 7:21
With persuasive words she led him astray; she seduced him with her smooth talk.
Ladies, be careful of what you ask for. You just might get it. After about a year and a half of dating, John finally asked me to marry him. Of course I accepted.
John who told me that he had been raised Catholic said that if we got married in the catholic church, we would have to go through six months of marriage counseling. I didn’t want to wait. I can’t remember why, but we decided to get married at the church my grandmother was currently attending. We met with the pastor, Reverend J and we where informed that even in the Baptist church, we would still have some counseling to go through. The good news is that we didn’t have to go through six months worth of counseling but rather a few sessions.
In hindsight, I really believe that we probably would have been better off waiting the six months and going through the counseling rather than rushing into marriage for no other reason than to be married. You can never really know too much about your potential mate. Pastor J asked many questions of us that I don’t think we had ever discussed before. Of course we had all the right answers or so I thought.
We were married on a cold rainy day in April 1983. Tax day, April 15th to be exact. I don’t know why we chose that date, other than it was on a Friday. I remember that we were running late because we did not want to get married until his daughter Cara got there. You see he had a five-year-old daughter whom he seemed to adore. When it was close to the appointed time for us to be married, we couldn’t find Cara. I believe she got to the church a few minutes before the appointed time.
We had decided not to have a big wedding because of the expense. So it was just my family, his grandparents, who had raised him, his sister Mary, his brother Jerry and a few close friends. His best friend Ed stood up as his best man and my youngest sister Denise, was my maid of honor. Reverend J pronounced us husband and wife as we began our new life together as one.
Matthew 19:6
So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."
Because I worked in a crew that worked predominately in the suburbs, this was never really an issue. Telephone poles in the suburbs usually didn’t have the metal steps. Telephone poles in the city did. This all changed one day when my telephone installation orders called for me to work in the city.
I had an installation job in a commercial area that was adjacent to a public parking lot. It was a cold windy day. Telephones poles in the city generally had steps above a certain level that precluded that you use a ladder, as it would be impossible to use gaffs. Now the one thing to keep in mind is that these ladders are made of fiberglass. When raised to there full extension, they are 24 to 27 feet tall.
I had just completed the outside work of the job and had moved the ladder away from the telephone pole to lower it. At the moment that I was attempting to lower the ladder, a strong gust of wind came up and caught my ladder in it. I had a really hard time struggling to maintain control of the ladder as I attempted to lower it. Just as I lost control and it began to fall, I realized directly in it’s path, was a car. Knowing that I had to let the ladder fall but unable to accept the fact that I would cause damage to someone else’s car, I made an effort to redirect the ladder to an empty spot in the parking lot. I did, but pulled several muscles in my chest and back. My career as a telephone installer was over. After returning to work from this injury, I was assigned to an inside job in our public telephone dispatch center. That’s were I met John.
In addition to the dispatch center that I was assigned to, there were several other company operations located in the same building. Among these other departments, located two floors below us was the forecast and planning department. John worked as a forecaster in this department.
Now understand, this is the first real office type job that I would have. I essentially came from a blue-collar type of job. I wore blue jeans, steel-toed boots and work shirts. I realized very early that I would have to change my whole mode of dress. Changing my style of dressing would be easy. Changing my mindset would be much more difficult. I still suffered from self-esteem issues.
John was 6 feet 4 inches tall. Tall, dark, and handsome. He wore business suits and had a smile that could melt butter. He was in management and drove a luxury car. He was the most eligible bachelor in the building. Totally out of my league. Or so I thought.
There was a lunchroom located on the third floor of our building. Everyone who worked in the building would often times eat there. So it was not unusual to run into the various employees in the cafeteria at one point or another during the course of the week. I would see John in the lunchroom a few times every week and just thought he was just being nice when he would speak to me. There had even been one or two occasions when we actually ate lunch at the same table as a result of mutual friends.
Even though I found him physically attractive, I never considered that I would date him because I felt that he was totally out of my league. I also knew that there were far more attractive women in our building that were interested in him that were closer to his lifestyle than me.
As time progressed there had even been a couple of occasions when he and his friend Lou had joined me at my table for lunch. I had just come to believe that he was sitting there out of habit and not because he could possibly be interested in someone like me. So when he asked me if I would like to go out to dinner and a movie with him, I was totally taken aback. I accepted and was totally panicked when I realized what I had just gotten myself into.
The type of men that I had been used to dating was not in the same league as John. It’s not to say that he was any better than them, I had never dated any professional men. My upbringing was strictly blue-collar, self-esteem was still a big issue with me, and I didn’t even know if we had anything in common. But I still accepted.
When he arrived to pick me up at my mother’s house, I had moved back home for a time after Danny, he managed to impress my entire family. He was dressed to the hilt in a suit, looking very dapper and debonair. He was the perfect gentleman to my family and was an obvious step up from the type of men my family was used to seeing coming by to take me out.
We did go out to a movie, but when we arrived at the restaurant for dinner, we had more than an hour to wait before we could be seated. We decided to get a pizza and go back to his apartment and just talk. I wound up spending the night. My mother was furious with me. I knew I was going to marry that man that first night.
Ezekiel 16:15
But you trusted in your beauty and used your fame to become a prostitute. You lavished your favors on anyone who passed by and your beauty became his.
I seduced this man the very first time that I went out with him. The one thing that I knew how to do was to please my men. I took great pleasure in knowing that I could make this man desire me in a physical sense. In my selfish desire to have this man, I would do anything to ensure he would want me as his wife. I literally surrendered myself and my will to make him my husband. I did everything to get him to marry me but ask God.
Proverbs 7:21
With persuasive words she led him astray; she seduced him with her smooth talk.
Ladies, be careful of what you ask for. You just might get it. After about a year and a half of dating, John finally asked me to marry him. Of course I accepted.
John who told me that he had been raised Catholic said that if we got married in the catholic church, we would have to go through six months of marriage counseling. I didn’t want to wait. I can’t remember why, but we decided to get married at the church my grandmother was currently attending. We met with the pastor, Reverend J and we where informed that even in the Baptist church, we would still have some counseling to go through. The good news is that we didn’t have to go through six months worth of counseling but rather a few sessions.
In hindsight, I really believe that we probably would have been better off waiting the six months and going through the counseling rather than rushing into marriage for no other reason than to be married. You can never really know too much about your potential mate. Pastor J asked many questions of us that I don’t think we had ever discussed before. Of course we had all the right answers or so I thought.
We were married on a cold rainy day in April 1983. Tax day, April 15th to be exact. I don’t know why we chose that date, other than it was on a Friday. I remember that we were running late because we did not want to get married until his daughter Cara got there. You see he had a five-year-old daughter whom he seemed to adore. When it was close to the appointed time for us to be married, we couldn’t find Cara. I believe she got to the church a few minutes before the appointed time.
We had decided not to have a big wedding because of the expense. So it was just my family, his grandparents, who had raised him, his sister Mary, his brother Jerry and a few close friends. His best friend Ed stood up as his best man and my youngest sister Denise, was my maid of honor. Reverend J pronounced us husband and wife as we began our new life together as one.
Matthew 19:6
So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Danny Continued
After Danny and I broke up, I continued to party and to date. I dated a number of men but none had truly captured my interest. I would find one reason or another as to why I couldn’t continue to see them. Elliot was too soft. This man offered no challenge to me. Whatever I wanted he got it for me. Wherever I wanted to go, he took me. He was not a man who could stand up to me and help me develop.
Another young man that I dated was too cute. This brotha was so fine you became mesmerized just looking at him. There was one problem though, he was so busy looking at himself and looking to see who was watching him that he couldn’t pay any attention to me. Pretty, pretty, too pretty.
I went out with a Detroit police officer for a while named James. James had too many issues. He always seemed to bring his job home with him. I can understand this happening sometimes, but the details of what he saw and had to deal with became too much for me to deal with. Sorry James.
Glenn offered me my first marriage proposal. Tony drank too much. End of story. And the list went on and on. Some I chose to go out with simply because they were good dancers. Some I chose for their looks or where they worked. The bottom line was that I never really met anyone I felt I wanted to commit myself to. Then I met John.
Another young man that I dated was too cute. This brotha was so fine you became mesmerized just looking at him. There was one problem though, he was so busy looking at himself and looking to see who was watching him that he couldn’t pay any attention to me. Pretty, pretty, too pretty.
I went out with a Detroit police officer for a while named James. James had too many issues. He always seemed to bring his job home with him. I can understand this happening sometimes, but the details of what he saw and had to deal with became too much for me to deal with. Sorry James.
Glenn offered me my first marriage proposal. Tony drank too much. End of story. And the list went on and on. Some I chose to go out with simply because they were good dancers. Some I chose for their looks or where they worked. The bottom line was that I never really met anyone I felt I wanted to commit myself to. Then I met John.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
My Sister-In-Laws
My brother has been married twice. He married his first wife Vivian when he was twenty and she was only sixteen. Shortly after they were married, their one and only son was born.
Vivian was one of twelve children. Her oldest sister had met and married my uncle while he was attending a college not far from where they lived in Alabama. After college, my uncle moved his new wife to Detroit to be closer to his family.
After my brother graduated from high school he decided to attend college in that same small town. He was invited to stay with Vivian’s family. Being in the same house with Vivian afforded them the opportunity to spend a lot of time together.
Despite the objections of family members, they got married and moved back to Detroit. Vivian was the same age as my sister Nita and they were actually in the same graduating class. After the birth of my nephew my brother and his wife started experiencing marital problems and soon divorced.
Vivian had married my brother to get away from the confines of her family. She wanted to get out and experience the world. So when she got a chance to see what life had to offer, she found out that marriage to my brother was not really what she had wanted.
He met and married his second wife Janet soon after. She too had been previously married and became a mother at a very young age. Janet wasn’t really spiritually based when she and my brother got married. She did attend church. A very popular and large non-denominational church here in Detroit.
As Janet’s attendance at church increased, so did her faith. She began to study the word of God more and then came a day when she began to question the theology of the church she was currently attending. There were things that were being taught there that she discovered weren’t necessarily biblically based. This troubled Janet greatly and she decided to look for a new church home.
She found a church whose teachings were more in line with biblical scripture and decided to settle there. She ultimately convinced my brother and her daughter to switch to the new church as well. She would also attempt to convince myself and other members of the family to join even though we were already members of other churches. She became just a little obsessed with her new thirst for the word of God as it was being taught in her new church home.
Now I must stop and add my own personal footnote here. As I have mentioned I am a Baptist by choice. I follow the Baptist doctrine. That’s my personal choice. I also know that all religious titles are man made. Given that, it is not my place to judge anyone’s theology. I cannot believe that when we get to heaven there will be a separate place for Baptist, Catholics, Protestants, Episcopalians, and so forth.
No matter what your religious beliefs are or what you may be told, keep in mind to never just accept what anyone tells your or teaches you on religious issues. Be it your own pastor, visiting Bishop, or even the Pope himself, read it for yourself.
Janet changed when she began attending this new church. Her relationships also changed. Now I know that it says once we accept Christ as our personal savior that we should change and that many of the things that we used to do would also change. But it also says that we should intercede on behalf of our own families and friends.
Janet took the position that if you didn’t believe what she believed and you did things that were outside of what she was being taught, then she didn’t want to have anything to do with you. This attitude was extended towards everyone she knew including her own husband. This newfound religion contributed to the breakdown of an already tumultuous relationship.
She was not actually practicing what she was preaching. Janet would go out every Saturday to do what is called street witnessing to try to win souls for Christ. But she neglected her responsibilities to her home and family.
Proverbs 14:1
The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.
One of the biggest mistakes that we as Christians make is that we begin to believe that once we are saved, sanctified and filled with the Holy Spirit that we don’t sin anymore. We begin to believe that those who continue to sin are beneath them and we only have contempt for them.
Not!
Romans 3:23
for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,
Saints, don’t fool your selves. The only thing that separates you from those whom you feel are beneath you, is the grace of God. And if you feel that the unsaved are beneath you, then not even God’s grace and mercy can save you.
It is not our place to judge what others do and how they choose to live their lives. Our job as Christians is only to witness about the goodness of God and spread the good news of the Gospel. We become as the Scribes and Pharisees when we put ourselves above our fellow man (or sisters as the case may be).
Matthew 7:1
"Do not judge, or you too will be judged.
Vivian was one of twelve children. Her oldest sister had met and married my uncle while he was attending a college not far from where they lived in Alabama. After college, my uncle moved his new wife to Detroit to be closer to his family.
After my brother graduated from high school he decided to attend college in that same small town. He was invited to stay with Vivian’s family. Being in the same house with Vivian afforded them the opportunity to spend a lot of time together.
Despite the objections of family members, they got married and moved back to Detroit. Vivian was the same age as my sister Nita and they were actually in the same graduating class. After the birth of my nephew my brother and his wife started experiencing marital problems and soon divorced.
Vivian had married my brother to get away from the confines of her family. She wanted to get out and experience the world. So when she got a chance to see what life had to offer, she found out that marriage to my brother was not really what she had wanted.
He met and married his second wife Janet soon after. She too had been previously married and became a mother at a very young age. Janet wasn’t really spiritually based when she and my brother got married. She did attend church. A very popular and large non-denominational church here in Detroit.
As Janet’s attendance at church increased, so did her faith. She began to study the word of God more and then came a day when she began to question the theology of the church she was currently attending. There were things that were being taught there that she discovered weren’t necessarily biblically based. This troubled Janet greatly and she decided to look for a new church home.
She found a church whose teachings were more in line with biblical scripture and decided to settle there. She ultimately convinced my brother and her daughter to switch to the new church as well. She would also attempt to convince myself and other members of the family to join even though we were already members of other churches. She became just a little obsessed with her new thirst for the word of God as it was being taught in her new church home.
Now I must stop and add my own personal footnote here. As I have mentioned I am a Baptist by choice. I follow the Baptist doctrine. That’s my personal choice. I also know that all religious titles are man made. Given that, it is not my place to judge anyone’s theology. I cannot believe that when we get to heaven there will be a separate place for Baptist, Catholics, Protestants, Episcopalians, and so forth.
No matter what your religious beliefs are or what you may be told, keep in mind to never just accept what anyone tells your or teaches you on religious issues. Be it your own pastor, visiting Bishop, or even the Pope himself, read it for yourself.
Janet changed when she began attending this new church. Her relationships also changed. Now I know that it says once we accept Christ as our personal savior that we should change and that many of the things that we used to do would also change. But it also says that we should intercede on behalf of our own families and friends.
Janet took the position that if you didn’t believe what she believed and you did things that were outside of what she was being taught, then she didn’t want to have anything to do with you. This attitude was extended towards everyone she knew including her own husband. This newfound religion contributed to the breakdown of an already tumultuous relationship.
She was not actually practicing what she was preaching. Janet would go out every Saturday to do what is called street witnessing to try to win souls for Christ. But she neglected her responsibilities to her home and family.
Proverbs 14:1
The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.
One of the biggest mistakes that we as Christians make is that we begin to believe that once we are saved, sanctified and filled with the Holy Spirit that we don’t sin anymore. We begin to believe that those who continue to sin are beneath them and we only have contempt for them.
Not!
Romans 3:23
for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,
Saints, don’t fool your selves. The only thing that separates you from those whom you feel are beneath you, is the grace of God. And if you feel that the unsaved are beneath you, then not even God’s grace and mercy can save you.
It is not our place to judge what others do and how they choose to live their lives. Our job as Christians is only to witness about the goodness of God and spread the good news of the Gospel. We become as the Scribes and Pharisees when we put ourselves above our fellow man (or sisters as the case may be).
Matthew 7:1
"Do not judge, or you too will be judged.
Sunday, May 07, 2006
My Other Sister
My Other Sister
As I mentioned earlier, I have three sisters. Theresa and Denise I have already introduced you to. That leaves my other sister, Nita. Nita will be the hardest sister to write about for a number of reasons. One, because she is the sister closest in age and because of our relationship. You see, not only is she my sister, I can truly say she is also my best friend. Two, because even as close as she and I are there are many things about this sister I really don’t know. Nita and I were never really close growing up.
She has always been what I wasn’t. Feisty, outgoing, stubborn, and willing to fight for whatever she believed in. Growing up and even now, some people would consider Nita to be mean. Our sister Denise, nicknamed her Evillene, the wicked witch from the musical the “Wiz”. One of the most popular stories circulating in our family is how she bit a plug out of my brothers behind when she was two because he tried to block the door she was trying to get out of. Or the time she took a hot iron and placed it on his behind to see if it would hurt. Nita doesn’t have very many close friends. Sound harsh? Let me explain.
You see, Nita doesn’t allow very many people to get close to her. This doesn’t mean she doesn’t know people, but it takes a lot for her to trust you enough to let you into her world. Once she has let you in though, you won’t find a more giving, thoughtful, loving person than my sister. As I had mentioned earlier, growing up Nita and Theresa shared a room. What I didn’t mention is that they fought each other every single day. I can’t remember a day going by that there wasn’t some sort of altercation between the two of them. The littlest incident would set them off. To make matters worse, Nita was a neat freak and Theresa was a total slob. (Sorry Theresa, but you were).
Even though Nita and Theresa where always at odds with one another, no one and I do mean no one was ever allowed to pick on these sisters. Nita was the older of the two but you would never know it by looking at her. Nita only stood 5 feet 1 inches tall while Theresa was a whopping 5 feet 6 inches tall. Nita was lucky if she weighed 90lbs. During high school I know Theresa weighed at least 125. (I won’t go any higher because she is still bigger than me and might hurt me).
Theresa always had a mature deep voice. Nita’s voice, well her nickname in high school was “Squeaky”. I’m sure you get the picture. Anyhow, as I was saying, Nita and Theresa fought each other everyday, but whoa be the fool who dared confront one or both sisters with a threat of physical altercation. You would be in for a beat down that would usually be led by Nita. Nita was a strong believer of sticking together as a family. Her philosophy was she could fight her sisters but nobody else better try. She was and is one of the most loyal people you will ever meet.
I remember when I was in senior high school and Nita was in junior high school, my last class of the day was in a portable classroom behind the main school building. The junior high school that Nita attended was right behind the high school. Every Friday and sometimes other days of the week as well, someone would come into the class and say, “Jackie” your sister Nita is outside fighting again. Nita would never run from a fight and often time instigated the ensuing fight. It seemed that Nita was always fighting someone. She and her best friend Elizabeth, who happened to be my best friend Donna’s younger sister, were always in trouble together.
It didn’t matter if they were bigger than Nita or if they were male or female. She was not going to be the one to back down. I asked her Nita why she fought so much growing up and her response was that because she was so little and had a soft voice, people thought she was an easy target. She had to prove them wrong. By the time she had gotten to high school, she no longer had to prove she would fight. Her reputation preceded her. Now she only had to fight in defense of her sisters. But that is another story.
Other than her numerous fights, Nita never gave my mother a hard time. When she entered high school as a freshman, I was a junior and my brother a senior. I was still into skipping class and getting high. She would never do anything like that. Oh, did I mention that she was extremely smart? Nita skipped the second grade and graduated from high school when she was sixteen.
All of her high school classes were advanced classes and she was very active in various school activities. Including pep squad, pom-pom team, and holding various offices. She also dated the same guy all of her four years of high school. Ronald M. Ronald was Nita’s first love. He complimented her in every respect. They had most of the same classes and usually studied together. He played football, she was on the pep squad. He played in the band, she was a pom pom girl. They both loved to dance and attended all of the school dances together. Even the fellas that he hung out with dated the girls she hung out with. Ronald really brought out the best in my sister.
Ronald and Nita went on like this until their senior year in high school. Although Nita says that there was no particular reason that they broke up, I believe his parents felt that he was taking his relationship with Nita too seriously and encouraged him to date other girls. I also believe that his brother Mike, who happened to be a playa-playa had finally gotten to him as well. One other significant thing happened to Nita during this time too. She became pregnant her senior year in high school.
She came to me and told me what had happened and I gave her the money for an abortion. I took her to get it as well. I don’t remember very much about what happened after that, but I do know that her life was never to be the same again. You see, Nita was my mother’s favorite child. She knew it, I knew it and my mother knew it. I even asked my mother about it. My mother in all her wonderful wisdom replied “ I love all of my children equally. I just love them all in a different way. According to what their needs are.” She went on further to say, Nita needed my mother to show her how much she was loved by my mother more than I did. I never really knew just what my mother meant until I become a mother myself.
My mother was devastated by Nita’s pregnancy. She was deeply hurt. You see Nita was a child of her heart. Her father was my mother’s first real love. We never knew the circumstances of their relationship but we knew that my mother was crazy about “Bone-crusher” as he was called. Bone-crusher wound up in prison for reasons unknown to us and he and Nita never had an opportunity to meet. I believe this has had a long lasting affect on my sister that she will never admit to. Again, I was being a big sister who was not setting a good example. I stepped in and did something that I had no business doing. I should have let my mother handle the situation as she saw fit. I had no right and no business to do what I did.
My mother confronted me about Nita’s situation and I couldn’t give her the answers she wanted. In her frustration she punched me in my mouth and told me to move out of her house. I initially thought that she was taking her anger with Nita out on me. But I now realize she was taking her anger with me out on me. Everything that I had done up until this point paled in comparison to this. She felt she was losing control of her daughters and it was my entire fault. To a great extent, it was. I was not their mother and to an even greater extend I wasn’t even a good sister.
Romans 6:21
What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death!
The relationship between Nita and my mother would eventually heal. And even the relationship between my mother and I would also ultimately be repaired. But the one thing that would not was Nita’s body. When she was eighteen years old Nita started having problems. She had to have a partial hysterectomy. One of her tubes and her ovaries were removed. She was left with one partially functioning ovarian tube. As a result of this operation, my sister would never have children of her own.
Even though we have never spoken about it, it is very probable that this was caused by her abortion. Nita has never blamed me, but I blame myself. If I had never stepped in where I shouldn’t have this may not have happened. The only thing that I can do is to ask God and my sister for forgiveness.
Nita went on to have a good senior year and graduate with honors. She was the youngest graduate in her class. She even went on to college. As a matter of fact, Nita is the only one of her five siblings to graduate from college. She has a great corporate position with a major retailer and even had an opportunity to be a mother and help raise her two stepsons.My one concern about my sister is that she is not growing in her faith.
You see Nita is a believer. She belongs to a church and even attends on occasion. But like so many workingwomen today, she has neglected her relationship with God.Grant it, her job does impede her ability to attend church services every Sunday and she does now currently reside in a city outside of the state. Her family is still here in the city and on the weekends that she is off she commutes home to spend time with them. But I also believe that she could try a little harder to work on her faith.
When she reads this she will be upset with me, because she will be the first to say, I haven’t always been in close relationship with the Lord. Grant it I haven’t. There are still times that I fall away when I shouldn’t. But the difference is I still keep trying to get right with God. No I don’t consider myself holier than though, but I also realize that I am a sinner in need of God’s grace and mercy. Donnie McClurkin says it best “A saint is just a sinner who fell down and got up.” Being a good and faithful Christian means trying to get in right relationship with God.1
Timothy 1:16
But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life.
As I mentioned earlier, I have three sisters. Theresa and Denise I have already introduced you to. That leaves my other sister, Nita. Nita will be the hardest sister to write about for a number of reasons. One, because she is the sister closest in age and because of our relationship. You see, not only is she my sister, I can truly say she is also my best friend. Two, because even as close as she and I are there are many things about this sister I really don’t know. Nita and I were never really close growing up.
She has always been what I wasn’t. Feisty, outgoing, stubborn, and willing to fight for whatever she believed in. Growing up and even now, some people would consider Nita to be mean. Our sister Denise, nicknamed her Evillene, the wicked witch from the musical the “Wiz”. One of the most popular stories circulating in our family is how she bit a plug out of my brothers behind when she was two because he tried to block the door she was trying to get out of. Or the time she took a hot iron and placed it on his behind to see if it would hurt. Nita doesn’t have very many close friends. Sound harsh? Let me explain.
You see, Nita doesn’t allow very many people to get close to her. This doesn’t mean she doesn’t know people, but it takes a lot for her to trust you enough to let you into her world. Once she has let you in though, you won’t find a more giving, thoughtful, loving person than my sister. As I had mentioned earlier, growing up Nita and Theresa shared a room. What I didn’t mention is that they fought each other every single day. I can’t remember a day going by that there wasn’t some sort of altercation between the two of them. The littlest incident would set them off. To make matters worse, Nita was a neat freak and Theresa was a total slob. (Sorry Theresa, but you were).
Even though Nita and Theresa where always at odds with one another, no one and I do mean no one was ever allowed to pick on these sisters. Nita was the older of the two but you would never know it by looking at her. Nita only stood 5 feet 1 inches tall while Theresa was a whopping 5 feet 6 inches tall. Nita was lucky if she weighed 90lbs. During high school I know Theresa weighed at least 125. (I won’t go any higher because she is still bigger than me and might hurt me).
Theresa always had a mature deep voice. Nita’s voice, well her nickname in high school was “Squeaky”. I’m sure you get the picture. Anyhow, as I was saying, Nita and Theresa fought each other everyday, but whoa be the fool who dared confront one or both sisters with a threat of physical altercation. You would be in for a beat down that would usually be led by Nita. Nita was a strong believer of sticking together as a family. Her philosophy was she could fight her sisters but nobody else better try. She was and is one of the most loyal people you will ever meet.
I remember when I was in senior high school and Nita was in junior high school, my last class of the day was in a portable classroom behind the main school building. The junior high school that Nita attended was right behind the high school. Every Friday and sometimes other days of the week as well, someone would come into the class and say, “Jackie” your sister Nita is outside fighting again. Nita would never run from a fight and often time instigated the ensuing fight. It seemed that Nita was always fighting someone. She and her best friend Elizabeth, who happened to be my best friend Donna’s younger sister, were always in trouble together.
It didn’t matter if they were bigger than Nita or if they were male or female. She was not going to be the one to back down. I asked her Nita why she fought so much growing up and her response was that because she was so little and had a soft voice, people thought she was an easy target. She had to prove them wrong. By the time she had gotten to high school, she no longer had to prove she would fight. Her reputation preceded her. Now she only had to fight in defense of her sisters. But that is another story.
Other than her numerous fights, Nita never gave my mother a hard time. When she entered high school as a freshman, I was a junior and my brother a senior. I was still into skipping class and getting high. She would never do anything like that. Oh, did I mention that she was extremely smart? Nita skipped the second grade and graduated from high school when she was sixteen.
All of her high school classes were advanced classes and she was very active in various school activities. Including pep squad, pom-pom team, and holding various offices. She also dated the same guy all of her four years of high school. Ronald M. Ronald was Nita’s first love. He complimented her in every respect. They had most of the same classes and usually studied together. He played football, she was on the pep squad. He played in the band, she was a pom pom girl. They both loved to dance and attended all of the school dances together. Even the fellas that he hung out with dated the girls she hung out with. Ronald really brought out the best in my sister.
Ronald and Nita went on like this until their senior year in high school. Although Nita says that there was no particular reason that they broke up, I believe his parents felt that he was taking his relationship with Nita too seriously and encouraged him to date other girls. I also believe that his brother Mike, who happened to be a playa-playa had finally gotten to him as well. One other significant thing happened to Nita during this time too. She became pregnant her senior year in high school.
She came to me and told me what had happened and I gave her the money for an abortion. I took her to get it as well. I don’t remember very much about what happened after that, but I do know that her life was never to be the same again. You see, Nita was my mother’s favorite child. She knew it, I knew it and my mother knew it. I even asked my mother about it. My mother in all her wonderful wisdom replied “ I love all of my children equally. I just love them all in a different way. According to what their needs are.” She went on further to say, Nita needed my mother to show her how much she was loved by my mother more than I did. I never really knew just what my mother meant until I become a mother myself.
My mother was devastated by Nita’s pregnancy. She was deeply hurt. You see Nita was a child of her heart. Her father was my mother’s first real love. We never knew the circumstances of their relationship but we knew that my mother was crazy about “Bone-crusher” as he was called. Bone-crusher wound up in prison for reasons unknown to us and he and Nita never had an opportunity to meet. I believe this has had a long lasting affect on my sister that she will never admit to. Again, I was being a big sister who was not setting a good example. I stepped in and did something that I had no business doing. I should have let my mother handle the situation as she saw fit. I had no right and no business to do what I did.
My mother confronted me about Nita’s situation and I couldn’t give her the answers she wanted. In her frustration she punched me in my mouth and told me to move out of her house. I initially thought that she was taking her anger with Nita out on me. But I now realize she was taking her anger with me out on me. Everything that I had done up until this point paled in comparison to this. She felt she was losing control of her daughters and it was my entire fault. To a great extent, it was. I was not their mother and to an even greater extend I wasn’t even a good sister.
Romans 6:21
What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death!
The relationship between Nita and my mother would eventually heal. And even the relationship between my mother and I would also ultimately be repaired. But the one thing that would not was Nita’s body. When she was eighteen years old Nita started having problems. She had to have a partial hysterectomy. One of her tubes and her ovaries were removed. She was left with one partially functioning ovarian tube. As a result of this operation, my sister would never have children of her own.
Even though we have never spoken about it, it is very probable that this was caused by her abortion. Nita has never blamed me, but I blame myself. If I had never stepped in where I shouldn’t have this may not have happened. The only thing that I can do is to ask God and my sister for forgiveness.
Nita went on to have a good senior year and graduate with honors. She was the youngest graduate in her class. She even went on to college. As a matter of fact, Nita is the only one of her five siblings to graduate from college. She has a great corporate position with a major retailer and even had an opportunity to be a mother and help raise her two stepsons.My one concern about my sister is that she is not growing in her faith.
You see Nita is a believer. She belongs to a church and even attends on occasion. But like so many workingwomen today, she has neglected her relationship with God.Grant it, her job does impede her ability to attend church services every Sunday and she does now currently reside in a city outside of the state. Her family is still here in the city and on the weekends that she is off she commutes home to spend time with them. But I also believe that she could try a little harder to work on her faith.
When she reads this she will be upset with me, because she will be the first to say, I haven’t always been in close relationship with the Lord. Grant it I haven’t. There are still times that I fall away when I shouldn’t. But the difference is I still keep trying to get right with God. No I don’t consider myself holier than though, but I also realize that I am a sinner in need of God’s grace and mercy. Donnie McClurkin says it best “A saint is just a sinner who fell down and got up.” Being a good and faithful Christian means trying to get in right relationship with God.1
Timothy 1:16
But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life.
Sunday, April 30, 2006
Sabrina and Ted
Sabrina and Ted have been married for over twenty years. Sabrina always thought that she had the most loving, caring, and giving husband in the whole wide world. Then one day, she started receiving little messages that would rock her world.
One day as she stood in the kitchen preparing her dinner, Sabrina heard her phone ringing. On the other end of the telephone was a woman’s voice that she had never heard before. She stood in the kitchen with the telephone in her hand and asked the woman was there something she could help her with. Mrs. Ted, you don’t know me but my name is Lisa. You don’t know me but your husband and I work together. Mrs. Ted, I just wanted you to know that your husband and I have been having an affair.
Sabrina felt her world crumbling around her. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Her response was, “You must have the wrong house or the wrong man because I know my husband and he just wouldn’t do something like that.” But as she stood there denying what she knew in her heart to be true, the woman at the other end of the telephone began to tell her things about her family and about herself that she knew was not public knowledge.
Not only had her husband had an affair, but he had also related the most personal information that only the two of them had shared, to someone else. To add insult to injury, this woman with whom he had shared some of their most intimate secrets, had also shared that personal information with her husband. You see, the woman told Sabrina that she too was married and had confessed everything to her husband. Sabrina’s life was never to be the same again.
As a result of this newfound information, Sabrina and her husband Ted went to a marriage counselor. Her eyes began to be opened. You see, not only did this new information bring enlightenment about his infidelity, it forced Sabrina to exam all aspects of her relationship with this man. You see, Sabrina had been having problems with her husband from a financial aspect for years. It had gotten so bad that from time to time she felt as though their finances would be the one thing to force her to leave her husband.
Over the course of their marriage, Ted who had a Masters degree had been fired from several different jobs. The common denominator in most of the cases was that he couldn’t provide written documentation to support what he was being paid to do. In each case he always blamed his employers for giving him too much work to do. During one of these periods of unemployment, Ted had been out of work for over three years. For the duration of this three-year hiatus from work, Sabrina was the sole provider of their household. It was not until she got fed up with being the breadwinner of the family and she gave her husband an ultimatum, did he seek employment again.
After confronting her husband and after having to take a long hard look at their marriage, Sabrina realized there was a very common theme that stood out. She had bought and paid for everything that they owned. The down payment for their home, all the furniture, and appliance. Even the present on their children’s birthdays and at Christmas time.
Her husband had not bought one single thing that they professed to own together. Not even the cars they drove. Sabrina had paid for it all. In over twenty years of marriage, Sabrina couldn’t even remember her husband buying her a gift for any of their anniversaries, her birthday, or at Christmas time. She didn’t even know what he was doing with the money that he earned each week.
On several occasions when she went to the bank, she was unable to withdraw money from their joint account because either it wasn’t there or he had failed to pay one of the many bills that came directly out of that account. In more that one instance she has had to pay several hundreds of dollars in parking tickets on her car because he has very little regard for parking statutes. In other words, her husband, her lover, the father of her children have used her, her helpmate, for over twenty years.
1 Timothy 5:8
If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
Ladies, it is the responsibility of your husbands to take care of you, not for you to take care of him. Especially if he professes to be a Christian. I am not saying that we don’t contribute to the well being of our family and home, but we are to be the helpmate not the provider. We are crippling our men when we don’t allow them to lead and provide.
This does not mean that you as a woman do nothing and expect your husbands to do everything. Your role is to take care of him, your children, and your home. I know that I will catch a lot of flack for this statement, but again I will say that we have allowed the world to dictate to us what is right in our own homes. I do understand that it often takes two incomes to sustain a household, but when you get down to the real dynamics of the roles we are to live, think about what we have gained materialistically and lost spiritually. Has it really been worth it?
Colossians 3:18
Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
This particular passage of the bible has created a lot of controversy. Both men and women often misinterpret this passage. Ladies, this does not mean that your husband is to rule over you. Men nor does it means that your wife is a slave for you to use as you will. What it does mean is for a husband and wife to work in tandem to be a true Christian family. As in any partnership, there should be someone who is the primary leader. But the sign of a great leader is the ability to listen to those that they lead and to utilize the knowledge and skills of his mate to make good decisions for the partnership.
Ladies, no matter what you have heard and want to believe, men and women are different. Our psychological make-up is very different. Women are meant to be nurturing, caring, and to think more with their hearts. Men are meant to be strong, tough, and less emotional. This is not to say that men and women can’t share these traits. The bottom line is that we are meant to be different. There is nothing wrong with being a strong woman, just as there is nothing wrong with a man being emotional. But our roles in the family are meant to be very different.
When you look at the breakdown of the family, do you not have eyes to see just how we are destroying and ruining our own children by not adhering to the standards that God has pre-ordained? How can our children learn to be faithful men and women of God when they don’t have the right examples to follow? How can my sons learn to be good men without having the example of their father to follow? Make no mistake; I am doing my best to raise my two sons with good Christian morals, teaching them to respect women, God and the sanctity of the family. But I can’t teach them something I don’t know. How to be a man.
Psalm 80:15
the root your right hand has planted, the son you have raised up for yourself.
According to the national center for Health statistics, the last-reported U.S. divorce rate of which we are aware is 0.41% per capita per year, as reported on 9/6/00 for the 12-month period ending in Oct. 1999.
Only 18 percent of black women who married in the 1940s eventually divorced, a rate only slightly higher than that for white women of that era. But, of that far smaller number of black women who married in the late sixties and early seventies, 60 percent have already divorced." 14% of white women who married in the 1940s eventually divorced. A single generation later, almost 50 percent of those that married in the late sixties and early seventies have already divorced" ... Between 1970 and 1992, the proportion of babies born outside of marriage leaped from 11% to 30%."Amara Bachu, Fertility of American Women: June 1994 (Washington D.C.: Bureau of the Census, September 1995), xix, Table K. Cited on page5 of “The Abolition of Marriage, by Maggie Gallagher.
What did our mothers and grandmothers know that helped to sustain their families that we are now lacking as we attempt to raise our own families? I am not saying that we haven’t made some gains with the women’s liberation movement, but what I am saying is that in our quest for equal rights, greater freedoms, and our refusal to work with our mates, we are destroying our own families and not equipping our children to raise families of their own.
This statement does not preclude the fact that being submissive to your husband means that you are to follow a fool. We have to learn to make better choices in the man who is to be your husband. Keeping in mind that you can’t change grown folk, only God can. You can’t make someone love you. If you are with someone and he doesn’t want to make you his wife, Go! Leave him! Don’t waste your time! Ladies, stop getting married for the sake of being married. It won’t work! You are doing a great disservice to yourself and your children. But if you are married to a good man, keep him! Work on it! Work out any problems you may have! The grass only looks greener on the other side. Remember, there is no such thing as perfection in a relationship. It’s only as good as the effort that you put into it.
1 Timothy 2:11
A woman should learn in quietness and full submission.
Ladies, stop trying to rule over your mates. Let them be the leaders of the family. Start putting him at the forefront of all of your decisions. Support his decisions, his wisdom, and his vision of where your life as a family should be going.
Believe it or not, you don’t know everything and you don’t have all the answers. Just like many of the things that you know you learned from experiencing them first-hand, so too must the men in our lives learn.
Boy, did I get off-track. I am not sure how or when it finally hit me that what I wanted from a man is not what I was really getting from Danny, but it hit me hard. I realized that as long as I allowed this man in my life and in my bed, things between he and I would never change. Not only that, as long as he was in my life, I would never have a chance to find the type of man I really needed.
Being the coward that I was and not really sure how I could end this relationship, I did the only thing that I knew how to do. I ran back home to my parent’s house. You see I knew that we couldn’t get intimate in my parents home and I had too much respect for his mother to spend the night at his house, (yes ladies, he still lived with his mother).
Another added advantage, my sister Nita couldn’t stand Danny. She did everything in her power to see that we couldn’t spend anytime together. If he came to our house, she would make him as uncomfortable as she possibly could. She would talk against him whenever his name came up. She even went so far as to try to set me up with other men. Eventually Danny and I did stop seeing each other. Life went on.
One day as she stood in the kitchen preparing her dinner, Sabrina heard her phone ringing. On the other end of the telephone was a woman’s voice that she had never heard before. She stood in the kitchen with the telephone in her hand and asked the woman was there something she could help her with. Mrs. Ted, you don’t know me but my name is Lisa. You don’t know me but your husband and I work together. Mrs. Ted, I just wanted you to know that your husband and I have been having an affair.
Sabrina felt her world crumbling around her. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Her response was, “You must have the wrong house or the wrong man because I know my husband and he just wouldn’t do something like that.” But as she stood there denying what she knew in her heart to be true, the woman at the other end of the telephone began to tell her things about her family and about herself that she knew was not public knowledge.
Not only had her husband had an affair, but he had also related the most personal information that only the two of them had shared, to someone else. To add insult to injury, this woman with whom he had shared some of their most intimate secrets, had also shared that personal information with her husband. You see, the woman told Sabrina that she too was married and had confessed everything to her husband. Sabrina’s life was never to be the same again.
As a result of this newfound information, Sabrina and her husband Ted went to a marriage counselor. Her eyes began to be opened. You see, not only did this new information bring enlightenment about his infidelity, it forced Sabrina to exam all aspects of her relationship with this man. You see, Sabrina had been having problems with her husband from a financial aspect for years. It had gotten so bad that from time to time she felt as though their finances would be the one thing to force her to leave her husband.
Over the course of their marriage, Ted who had a Masters degree had been fired from several different jobs. The common denominator in most of the cases was that he couldn’t provide written documentation to support what he was being paid to do. In each case he always blamed his employers for giving him too much work to do. During one of these periods of unemployment, Ted had been out of work for over three years. For the duration of this three-year hiatus from work, Sabrina was the sole provider of their household. It was not until she got fed up with being the breadwinner of the family and she gave her husband an ultimatum, did he seek employment again.
After confronting her husband and after having to take a long hard look at their marriage, Sabrina realized there was a very common theme that stood out. She had bought and paid for everything that they owned. The down payment for their home, all the furniture, and appliance. Even the present on their children’s birthdays and at Christmas time.
Her husband had not bought one single thing that they professed to own together. Not even the cars they drove. Sabrina had paid for it all. In over twenty years of marriage, Sabrina couldn’t even remember her husband buying her a gift for any of their anniversaries, her birthday, or at Christmas time. She didn’t even know what he was doing with the money that he earned each week.
On several occasions when she went to the bank, she was unable to withdraw money from their joint account because either it wasn’t there or he had failed to pay one of the many bills that came directly out of that account. In more that one instance she has had to pay several hundreds of dollars in parking tickets on her car because he has very little regard for parking statutes. In other words, her husband, her lover, the father of her children have used her, her helpmate, for over twenty years.
1 Timothy 5:8
If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
Ladies, it is the responsibility of your husbands to take care of you, not for you to take care of him. Especially if he professes to be a Christian. I am not saying that we don’t contribute to the well being of our family and home, but we are to be the helpmate not the provider. We are crippling our men when we don’t allow them to lead and provide.
This does not mean that you as a woman do nothing and expect your husbands to do everything. Your role is to take care of him, your children, and your home. I know that I will catch a lot of flack for this statement, but again I will say that we have allowed the world to dictate to us what is right in our own homes. I do understand that it often takes two incomes to sustain a household, but when you get down to the real dynamics of the roles we are to live, think about what we have gained materialistically and lost spiritually. Has it really been worth it?
Colossians 3:18
Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
This particular passage of the bible has created a lot of controversy. Both men and women often misinterpret this passage. Ladies, this does not mean that your husband is to rule over you. Men nor does it means that your wife is a slave for you to use as you will. What it does mean is for a husband and wife to work in tandem to be a true Christian family. As in any partnership, there should be someone who is the primary leader. But the sign of a great leader is the ability to listen to those that they lead and to utilize the knowledge and skills of his mate to make good decisions for the partnership.
Ladies, no matter what you have heard and want to believe, men and women are different. Our psychological make-up is very different. Women are meant to be nurturing, caring, and to think more with their hearts. Men are meant to be strong, tough, and less emotional. This is not to say that men and women can’t share these traits. The bottom line is that we are meant to be different. There is nothing wrong with being a strong woman, just as there is nothing wrong with a man being emotional. But our roles in the family are meant to be very different.
When you look at the breakdown of the family, do you not have eyes to see just how we are destroying and ruining our own children by not adhering to the standards that God has pre-ordained? How can our children learn to be faithful men and women of God when they don’t have the right examples to follow? How can my sons learn to be good men without having the example of their father to follow? Make no mistake; I am doing my best to raise my two sons with good Christian morals, teaching them to respect women, God and the sanctity of the family. But I can’t teach them something I don’t know. How to be a man.
Psalm 80:15
the root your right hand has planted, the son you have raised up for yourself.
According to the national center for Health statistics, the last-reported U.S. divorce rate of which we are aware is 0.41% per capita per year, as reported on 9/6/00 for the 12-month period ending in Oct. 1999.
Only 18 percent of black women who married in the 1940s eventually divorced, a rate only slightly higher than that for white women of that era. But, of that far smaller number of black women who married in the late sixties and early seventies, 60 percent have already divorced." 14% of white women who married in the 1940s eventually divorced. A single generation later, almost 50 percent of those that married in the late sixties and early seventies have already divorced" ... Between 1970 and 1992, the proportion of babies born outside of marriage leaped from 11% to 30%."Amara Bachu, Fertility of American Women: June 1994 (Washington D.C.: Bureau of the Census, September 1995), xix, Table K. Cited on page5 of “The Abolition of Marriage, by Maggie Gallagher.
What did our mothers and grandmothers know that helped to sustain their families that we are now lacking as we attempt to raise our own families? I am not saying that we haven’t made some gains with the women’s liberation movement, but what I am saying is that in our quest for equal rights, greater freedoms, and our refusal to work with our mates, we are destroying our own families and not equipping our children to raise families of their own.
This statement does not preclude the fact that being submissive to your husband means that you are to follow a fool. We have to learn to make better choices in the man who is to be your husband. Keeping in mind that you can’t change grown folk, only God can. You can’t make someone love you. If you are with someone and he doesn’t want to make you his wife, Go! Leave him! Don’t waste your time! Ladies, stop getting married for the sake of being married. It won’t work! You are doing a great disservice to yourself and your children. But if you are married to a good man, keep him! Work on it! Work out any problems you may have! The grass only looks greener on the other side. Remember, there is no such thing as perfection in a relationship. It’s only as good as the effort that you put into it.
1 Timothy 2:11
A woman should learn in quietness and full submission.
Ladies, stop trying to rule over your mates. Let them be the leaders of the family. Start putting him at the forefront of all of your decisions. Support his decisions, his wisdom, and his vision of where your life as a family should be going.
Believe it or not, you don’t know everything and you don’t have all the answers. Just like many of the things that you know you learned from experiencing them first-hand, so too must the men in our lives learn.
Boy, did I get off-track. I am not sure how or when it finally hit me that what I wanted from a man is not what I was really getting from Danny, but it hit me hard. I realized that as long as I allowed this man in my life and in my bed, things between he and I would never change. Not only that, as long as he was in my life, I would never have a chance to find the type of man I really needed.
Being the coward that I was and not really sure how I could end this relationship, I did the only thing that I knew how to do. I ran back home to my parent’s house. You see I knew that we couldn’t get intimate in my parents home and I had too much respect for his mother to spend the night at his house, (yes ladies, he still lived with his mother).
Another added advantage, my sister Nita couldn’t stand Danny. She did everything in her power to see that we couldn’t spend anytime together. If he came to our house, she would make him as uncomfortable as she possibly could. She would talk against him whenever his name came up. She even went so far as to try to set me up with other men. Eventually Danny and I did stop seeing each other. Life went on.
Sunday, April 09, 2006
Danny
One day I received all call from one of my cousins who I had gone to school with. Toya was one of my hanging buddies and she was also petite and cute. I don’t remember the exact content of the conversation, but Toya essentially told me that there was this young man that she wanted me to meet. I don’t know why Toya called me, it had been years since we hung out together, but I agreed to meet this young man and go out on a double date.
I did not get an opportunity to talk with this young man prior to our prearranged date, but he, Toya, and another gentleman showed up at my front door at the appointed time. I was not impressed and it was definitely not a love connection.
It had been agreed that we would go to a Detroit Pistons basketball game. I don’t remember who drove, but I do remember that we had pretty good seats. I thought it was a pretty boring date, but I managed to enjoy myself anyway. I really didn’t find Danny interesting but did think he was kind of cute.
Danny was about six foot four and around two hundred pounds. You could tell he worked out regularly and had a very nice body. He also had a Jeri-curl (a very popular hairstyle in the early nineteen eighties) that reached down to his shoulders. He was also dark-skinned and had a pretty white smile. (I have always been captivated by men with pretty smiles). Even though he didn’t impress me personally, I did find Danny rather attractive.
At the end of the evening, I gave Danny my phone number and told him to call me sometime. He did. We talked on a rather regular basis. As I got to know him, I found that I actually did start to like him. He was intelligent, witty and pretty knowledgeable about current affairs. Something that I found lacking in most of the men I generally talked to. One of the things that I have always enjoyed is gaining new knowledge. (One of the hangovers from my days of reading I guess). Did I mention, Danny was also a drummer for a very popular R&B group in Detroit that was experiencing national attention. But that’s not what attracted me to this man.
Danny didn’t do anything that I nor most of the men I hung out with did. He didn’t smoke cigarettes, he didn’t do drugs, and he didn’t party. So even though he was in the clubs playing nightly, he did not live the nightlife. He was pretty stable in his lifestyle despite the image that he portrayed. He actually had a kind of calming affect on me.
We could talk about almost anything. Danny was the first man in my adult life that related to me about me. We could talk about my hopes, my dreams, and my ambitions. Yes people. I had ambitions. He encouraged me to do what I thought was right. He never gave his opinion unless it was asked and he never tried to make his beliefs, my beliefs. And more importantly, he was a great lover.
With this man, I discovered so much more about myself. Intellectually, sensually, and spiritually. He helped me find a determination in myself that I never knew existed. You see, at the time I had started seeing Danny I was also going through my training to be a telephone installer. Although I had passed the written portion earlier with no problems, I was now faced with many physical challenges. You see I am only four feet eleven inches tall and lucky if I weight a hundred and fifteen pounds. This presented a challenge with how equipment, trucks, and telephone climbing was done. And to make it even more difficult, I am left-handed. I mean how much out of the mainstream could I get. I was the only woman in my training class, which also presented some mental challenges.
I don’t quite remember how many weeks it was that I had to go through training, but I can remember coming home feeling tired and defeated. Even though Danny didn’t live with me, he was at my apartment just about every night. He would come over and we would spend hours making love and talking.
Galatians 5:19
The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery (extreme indulgence of one’s appetites, especially for sensual pleasure)
Danny seemed to meet my most basic needs during this time. He appealed to my senses. It was also during this time that I was really discovering how pleasurable having sex was. He was a great teacher.
Again, you must remember that this is still during a time when women were coming into their own. Both in the workplace and in the bedroom. We were being taught by a world that was trying to force us out of what was considered outdated, in our way of viewing ourselves. This was still the epitome of what society was dictating for us to be as women.
Again, I had allowed Satan to come into my life by allowing the world to dictate to me what was acceptable. Ladies, sex outside of marriage is still wrong.
Hebrews 13:4
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.
I really wanted to use Romans 12:2 here but you I won’t. (Just in case you can’t remember, do not conform to the pattern of this world). In other words, stop trying to do what the world is saying or doing and go after what God has been telling you since the beginning.
Nothing really bad happened from my relationship with Danny. We had a very bohemian type of relationship. Very unconventional. We both came and went as we pleased. I had no problems with him playing in clubs and he had no problems with me going to clubs. Neither of us questioned our faithfulness to each other. So what happened?
Two things. Since I couldn’t take birth control pills and was having sex on a pretty regular basis with a very haphazard approach to birth control, I got pregnant for the second time. This time my conscience was not so accepting of the idea. I told Danny I was pregnant. He basically got me to agree that neither of us was ready to be a parent yet. I agreed. I had my second abortion.
But my attitude towards Danny changed drastically. I was forced to look at him, my expectations, and our life together in a whole new light.I suddenly realized that we didn’t have a relationship. Sure we talked, slept together and had sex. But those are not the true dynamics of a relationship. We only interacted with each other on those three levels.
I realized that even though Danny was staying at my house on most occasions and eating my food, I couldn’t ever remember a time that he brought groceries, cooked, cleaned, or helped to pay any bills. Even as a gesture of paying his own way. Wait a minute. We hadn’t been on a date since the first time we went out. Hold On! He constantly borrowed my car (remember the yellow mustang?), even though he had a brand new corvette that he let his sister use everyday to drive to school. I couldn’t remember riding in it and I know for a fact that I had never driven it. Can you say USER! What was I thinking? Ladies, did this brother have my nose so wide open that I couldn’t see what was right in my front face?
I did not get an opportunity to talk with this young man prior to our prearranged date, but he, Toya, and another gentleman showed up at my front door at the appointed time. I was not impressed and it was definitely not a love connection.
It had been agreed that we would go to a Detroit Pistons basketball game. I don’t remember who drove, but I do remember that we had pretty good seats. I thought it was a pretty boring date, but I managed to enjoy myself anyway. I really didn’t find Danny interesting but did think he was kind of cute.
Danny was about six foot four and around two hundred pounds. You could tell he worked out regularly and had a very nice body. He also had a Jeri-curl (a very popular hairstyle in the early nineteen eighties) that reached down to his shoulders. He was also dark-skinned and had a pretty white smile. (I have always been captivated by men with pretty smiles). Even though he didn’t impress me personally, I did find Danny rather attractive.
At the end of the evening, I gave Danny my phone number and told him to call me sometime. He did. We talked on a rather regular basis. As I got to know him, I found that I actually did start to like him. He was intelligent, witty and pretty knowledgeable about current affairs. Something that I found lacking in most of the men I generally talked to. One of the things that I have always enjoyed is gaining new knowledge. (One of the hangovers from my days of reading I guess). Did I mention, Danny was also a drummer for a very popular R&B group in Detroit that was experiencing national attention. But that’s not what attracted me to this man.
Danny didn’t do anything that I nor most of the men I hung out with did. He didn’t smoke cigarettes, he didn’t do drugs, and he didn’t party. So even though he was in the clubs playing nightly, he did not live the nightlife. He was pretty stable in his lifestyle despite the image that he portrayed. He actually had a kind of calming affect on me.
We could talk about almost anything. Danny was the first man in my adult life that related to me about me. We could talk about my hopes, my dreams, and my ambitions. Yes people. I had ambitions. He encouraged me to do what I thought was right. He never gave his opinion unless it was asked and he never tried to make his beliefs, my beliefs. And more importantly, he was a great lover.
With this man, I discovered so much more about myself. Intellectually, sensually, and spiritually. He helped me find a determination in myself that I never knew existed. You see, at the time I had started seeing Danny I was also going through my training to be a telephone installer. Although I had passed the written portion earlier with no problems, I was now faced with many physical challenges. You see I am only four feet eleven inches tall and lucky if I weight a hundred and fifteen pounds. This presented a challenge with how equipment, trucks, and telephone climbing was done. And to make it even more difficult, I am left-handed. I mean how much out of the mainstream could I get. I was the only woman in my training class, which also presented some mental challenges.
I don’t quite remember how many weeks it was that I had to go through training, but I can remember coming home feeling tired and defeated. Even though Danny didn’t live with me, he was at my apartment just about every night. He would come over and we would spend hours making love and talking.
Galatians 5:19
The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery (extreme indulgence of one’s appetites, especially for sensual pleasure)
Danny seemed to meet my most basic needs during this time. He appealed to my senses. It was also during this time that I was really discovering how pleasurable having sex was. He was a great teacher.
Again, you must remember that this is still during a time when women were coming into their own. Both in the workplace and in the bedroom. We were being taught by a world that was trying to force us out of what was considered outdated, in our way of viewing ourselves. This was still the epitome of what society was dictating for us to be as women.
Again, I had allowed Satan to come into my life by allowing the world to dictate to me what was acceptable. Ladies, sex outside of marriage is still wrong.
Hebrews 13:4
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.
I really wanted to use Romans 12:2 here but you I won’t. (Just in case you can’t remember, do not conform to the pattern of this world). In other words, stop trying to do what the world is saying or doing and go after what God has been telling you since the beginning.
Nothing really bad happened from my relationship with Danny. We had a very bohemian type of relationship. Very unconventional. We both came and went as we pleased. I had no problems with him playing in clubs and he had no problems with me going to clubs. Neither of us questioned our faithfulness to each other. So what happened?
Two things. Since I couldn’t take birth control pills and was having sex on a pretty regular basis with a very haphazard approach to birth control, I got pregnant for the second time. This time my conscience was not so accepting of the idea. I told Danny I was pregnant. He basically got me to agree that neither of us was ready to be a parent yet. I agreed. I had my second abortion.
But my attitude towards Danny changed drastically. I was forced to look at him, my expectations, and our life together in a whole new light.I suddenly realized that we didn’t have a relationship. Sure we talked, slept together and had sex. But those are not the true dynamics of a relationship. We only interacted with each other on those three levels.
I realized that even though Danny was staying at my house on most occasions and eating my food, I couldn’t ever remember a time that he brought groceries, cooked, cleaned, or helped to pay any bills. Even as a gesture of paying his own way. Wait a minute. We hadn’t been on a date since the first time we went out. Hold On! He constantly borrowed my car (remember the yellow mustang?), even though he had a brand new corvette that he let his sister use everyday to drive to school. I couldn’t remember riding in it and I know for a fact that I had never driven it. Can you say USER! What was I thinking? Ladies, did this brother have my nose so wide open that I couldn’t see what was right in my front face?
Sunday, March 19, 2006
After Graduation
As I mentioned earlier, I had gone back to school to complete my last two classes. I continued to work at the fast food restaurant for a time while I looked for a job. Another friend of mine who I had worked with introduced me to a gentleman who helped me get a job with the local telephone company.
I started out working in the mailroom but after a few months was promoted into a job as a telephone installation technician. I was the first African-American woman in Michigan to hold that position. (This was in the late seventies). I had been taking college courses, but after I started making what I thought was really good money as an installation technician, I soon stopped going to school and moved on to the next phase of my life. I moved into my own apartment. I was truly an adult now. I still loved to party and hang out. And now, I even had the money to party as much as I wanted to.
When I lived with my Grandmother, she had given me an old Camero she bought. Even though I really appreciated that old car, it was still an old car with problems. One day while driving down the street, I passed a Ford dealership. It was a beautiful sunny summer afternoon. There in the showroom screaming my name was the most beautiful yellow Mustang I had ever seen. I walked in, said I wanted that car and bought it right on the spot. I didn’t even try to negotiate for a lower price. I paid sticker price I wanted that car so bad. Not even twenty years old, my own apartment, a brand new yellow Ford Mustang. I had it going on. I was out of control. With no adult supervision to check on me, I really began to hang out and party.
Now most people would find this hard to believe, but I had developed a pattern of partying six out of seven nights a week. My girlfriends and I knew what clubs were hot on whatever night of the week we would be going out on. The only night we didn’t go out was Tuesday. This was our one night of rest. We even knew where all of the after hour clubs were. On the weekends we would go out to the regular clubs, the after hour clubs, and then breakfast. We would sleep all day Saturday. Go to church on Sunday. Come home and sleep all afternoon on Sunday and then go out again on Sunday night. I can’t even begin to count the number of mornings I went to work without having been to sleep the night before.
I was still smoking marijuana but had been introduced to something that increased our ability to party as long as we wanted to. Debs and snorting cocaine. Debs were a diet pill that gave you increased energy and kept you awake. They also helped me to keep my size 5/6 body. Cocaine too was a stimulant. I look back at that lifestyle now and wonder why I didn’t just become burnt out.
Luke 15:13
And not many days after the younger son gathered all together, and took his journey into a far country, and there wasted his substance with riotous living.
I think about all the time, energy, and money that I squandered during those years. Not only was I being wasteful, I was living a very dangerous lifestyle. Not just by being out in a dangerous world, but I also think about what might have become of me during that time as I had not yet come to know Jesus Christ as my personal savior. I was not yet under God’s grace and could have been lost for all eternity.
Ladies, stop and think about all the times that you or someone you know has been caught-up in sin. We all have often looked back at a situation and thought “But for the grace of God go I”. We have all done some foolish things and been caught up in foolish situations. We have all heard the saying “God watches out for babies and fools”. Since I wasn’t a baby, I know I was a fool.
I started out working in the mailroom but after a few months was promoted into a job as a telephone installation technician. I was the first African-American woman in Michigan to hold that position. (This was in the late seventies). I had been taking college courses, but after I started making what I thought was really good money as an installation technician, I soon stopped going to school and moved on to the next phase of my life. I moved into my own apartment. I was truly an adult now. I still loved to party and hang out. And now, I even had the money to party as much as I wanted to.
When I lived with my Grandmother, she had given me an old Camero she bought. Even though I really appreciated that old car, it was still an old car with problems. One day while driving down the street, I passed a Ford dealership. It was a beautiful sunny summer afternoon. There in the showroom screaming my name was the most beautiful yellow Mustang I had ever seen. I walked in, said I wanted that car and bought it right on the spot. I didn’t even try to negotiate for a lower price. I paid sticker price I wanted that car so bad. Not even twenty years old, my own apartment, a brand new yellow Ford Mustang. I had it going on. I was out of control. With no adult supervision to check on me, I really began to hang out and party.
Now most people would find this hard to believe, but I had developed a pattern of partying six out of seven nights a week. My girlfriends and I knew what clubs were hot on whatever night of the week we would be going out on. The only night we didn’t go out was Tuesday. This was our one night of rest. We even knew where all of the after hour clubs were. On the weekends we would go out to the regular clubs, the after hour clubs, and then breakfast. We would sleep all day Saturday. Go to church on Sunday. Come home and sleep all afternoon on Sunday and then go out again on Sunday night. I can’t even begin to count the number of mornings I went to work without having been to sleep the night before.
I was still smoking marijuana but had been introduced to something that increased our ability to party as long as we wanted to. Debs and snorting cocaine. Debs were a diet pill that gave you increased energy and kept you awake. They also helped me to keep my size 5/6 body. Cocaine too was a stimulant. I look back at that lifestyle now and wonder why I didn’t just become burnt out.
Luke 15:13
And not many days after the younger son gathered all together, and took his journey into a far country, and there wasted his substance with riotous living.
I think about all the time, energy, and money that I squandered during those years. Not only was I being wasteful, I was living a very dangerous lifestyle. Not just by being out in a dangerous world, but I also think about what might have become of me during that time as I had not yet come to know Jesus Christ as my personal savior. I was not yet under God’s grace and could have been lost for all eternity.
Ladies, stop and think about all the times that you or someone you know has been caught-up in sin. We all have often looked back at a situation and thought “But for the grace of God go I”. We have all done some foolish things and been caught up in foolish situations. We have all heard the saying “God watches out for babies and fools”. Since I wasn’t a baby, I know I was a fool.
